How to win friends and influence people download pdf

Using these principles promote the ability for the individuals to have an open, honest conversation. This in turn creates a positive atmosphere for conflict resolution. It relays a message. It tells people they are important to you. The last nine principles come from the final part of the part of the book, Be a Leader. Make the problem seem easy to correct. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. I have asked too much, too much. All great progress and problem solving with others begins when at least one party is willing to place what is already good on the table.

From there it is much easier to know where to begin and how to lead the interaction to a mutually bene cial end. It was called the iMac, and the company introducing it, Apple Computer, desperately needed it to work in order to stay in business. But in the article that accompanied the cover story, its CEO, Steve Jobs, enunciated a brand-new vision for consumers. And so with the iMac came a free suite of software that today is synonymous with the digital age—iTunes, iPhoto, and iMovie. Critics and competitors mocked Jobs.

And Apple Computer, now simply Apple, has seen its share price increase 4, percent. Is it because other computer companies would prefer no one buy their products? Of course not—they all want to be successful. What they are after is more and more in uence in the form of people consuming their products.

One day the famous philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son were trying to get a calf into the barn. It was going rather poorly. She walked over to the calf and put her nger in its mouth. While the calf suckled, she gently led it into the barn. What did the maid know that the luminous philosopher had forgotten?

Once she tapped into that desire, the calf willingly followed. Emerson and his son merely thought about what they desired—the calf in the barn so they could eat their lunch. But the calf, happily grazing in a green pasture, had little interest in descending into a dark, con ned barn that curtailed his dining options. It is an excellent metaphor because it reminds us of two key insights we often overlook when trying to in uence others. In uence requires more intuition than intellect.

While Emerson was likely the more learned of the two, the divergence between them was one of intuition. We assume such people can move majorities with a whisper and the snap of a nger.

In uence is no respecter of education or experience; it goes only with the one who will set aside his status—be it high and mighty or low and lowly—and put himself in the place of another. To do so takes a shrewd and spontaneous ability to read beneath the surface of an interaction. In uencing others is not a matter of outsmarting them.

He tapped into what people were already feeling. In uence requires a gentle hand. It is no way to sway another to your side. Lest we forget, it is a memorable image of what little moving we have to do to move another to action. As a constant reminder, former U. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way. It is as important for the energy executive from Holland as it is the executive producer in Hollywood.

In his book Killing the Sale bestselling author Todd Duncan describes the ten fatal mistakes salespeople make. It takes dialogue. It takes actual conversation. It should be the other way around. And their options are endless in the very world Steve Jobs saw in Fortunately, most corporate emails, company tweets, brand blog entries, and commercial ad campaigns are monologues meant to broadcast opinions, distinguish brands, launch products, and construct personas.

It is precisely because this is so that the person who speaks in a spirit of dialogue and altruistic discovery nabs a signi cant advantage. How do you know if you hold this advantage? An honest inventory of your impact is usually enough. Have your employees really stepped it up, or do they remain in a cycle of ts and falters? You are con dent your marriage is on the upswing, but what does your spouse have to say?

You say your brand is sweeping the nation, but against what standard are you measuring brand recognition? He writes, Nearly every study of organizational change over the past two decades indicates that companies fail to make the change they intend approximately seventy percent of the time.

Before organizational change can succeed, it must rst occur at the subtle spiritual level in the individuals of the organization. All lasting transformation must begin there because, ultimately, your spirit and mine is the primary driver of all our behavior. His words remind us that no companywide campaign or individual communication strategy garners in uence until it connects with people at their core. A former U. He felt pretty good about his progress. But to what end? Five thousand employees showed up on time.

He wanted to understand why. Over the rst two months of the following year he spent a lot of time with the people who really ran the Department of Education—the career civil service workers who pressed forward no matter which political party lled the White House. And since he had no authority to hire or re from the civil service ranks, the only way he could in uence positive progress in the department was by winning them over.

Do retail. Everyone will notice because these are the things they really care about. I do wholesale. For the next year he toured the country, rolled up his sleeves, read stories, listened to teachers, and was reminded how much he loved retail education. It was a personal victory. We are far more inclined to focus on how we can best broadcast our points from our own perspective, quickly, broadly, or both.

It is easy to get so caught up in the fray that we forget what we are aiming for: connection, in uence, agreement, collaboration. Most of us are more discerning about what we divulge. We reveal what matters to us, what we think about often, what we love and like and hope to see happen soon.

In fact, our best role models might not be people at all. Perhaps dogs are. Are they ever without pure joy just being in our presence? Dogs know by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in minutes by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in months of trying to get other people interested in you.

It is more than a furry, four-legged platitude. It is a primary principle without which no person can gain real relational traction with another. It predates Friendster and MySpace. It came before cell phones and email and the Internet. Our sel shness, or more politely our self-interest, populates the morals of the great fables.

Peter Rabbit incurs Mr. It is a gravitylike reality. We are born with innate ght-or- ight tendencies. Yet we often forget to consider whom we are really ghting against and to what destination we are eeing.

If we are not mindful, the destination to which we ee can become a lonely, isolated isle. Like the city of Troy whose walls of great defense became the source of its great demise, we can insulate ourselves to the point of interpersonal futility. It is from such individuals that all human failures spring. But it is a statement borne out in fact. A life lived in constant interpersonal struggle.

Few true friends. Shallow, short-lived in uence. Why, in the end, are you communicating and what, in the end, are you promoting? Today people are more informed and subsequently more intuitive than ever. Most of us immediately see through a person whose messaging is only for personal bene t. We see gimmicks a mile away. We run from underhanded approaches.

Instead, we gravitate to what feels real and lasting. Once the youngest-ever editor in chief of the venerable New Republic, Sullivan was diagnosed HIV-positive in the early s, when it was still a death sentence. One of the things that set Sullivan apart from his peers was an intentional interaction with his readership. As with most things on the Internet, he had no idea if it would hit. People are attracted to people who care about what interests them. First, self-interest in its purest form is part of human nature— ght or ight is fact.

Instead it indicates that most people, on most days, forget the other side of the human equation—everyone else. Most take self-interest to the self-centered end of the spectrum. We remember such people, befriend them, and come to trust them more deeply. In uence is ultimately an outcropping of trust—the higher the trust, the greater the in uence. Second, the pinnacle of this principle is not complete self-denial.

Consider bestselling author Anne Rice, who has sold more than million books in her lifetime. Her career began and achieved sustained success with her famed vampire books, including Interview with a Vampire, which was made into a major motion picture. While she is a uniquely gifted writer, no small part of her success has been her genuine interest in her readers.

Her interest in others has never been feigned for the sake of book sales. How could I not respond? I wanted people to know that I appreciated their letters and I appreciated them.

It is truly a community, in nitely more powerful than the sum of its parts, and I thank you for making it what it is: for participating here in so many vital and inspiring discussions.

In his cult favorite treatise, Bass-Ackward Business, business owner Steve Beecham summarily admits, I have never considered myself a brilliant businessman. I jumped in with both feet. Unfortunately, the re nance well dried up before my feet got wet. Instead of starting over, I set out to nd a way to make the business work. He had every reason to pack it up and head back to school or consider letting someone else hold the reins.

He resisted long enough to see that his approach was wrong from the beginning. He was after business when he should have been after relationships. What do you do for a living? What high school did you go to?

I left the encounter feeling ten feet tall. Perhaps more signi cant is that his business has been percent referral-based for a decade. How simple it is to set out motivated only to get to know others and nd a problem you can help solve or a pursuit you can help promote. Perhaps you have similar interests; this is fodder for future conversation, even for future collaboration.

Bottom line, fans have access. Fans are able to sign the actual racetrack. At all ages. What if the same behind-the- scenes access available to fans physically at the Daytona was available to those billions of potential fans [on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube] who are not watching the race on TV?

All things not being equal, they still do. So to be liked, you must exhibit admiration for the things others do and say. Many have argued that people no longer have much interest in others. Yet you have so many opportunities to stay connected, to learn more, to show your interest. Changing how you spend just a small portion of each day can dramatically change how others perceive your level of interest in them.

Changing your customer engagement strategy can dramatically change how the marketplace perceives your company. Instead of spending each day re ning your digital media, spend time relating to your friends, colleagues, and clients.

Post brief, admiring notes. Interact with them and discover what problems you might help solve or what pursuits you might help promote; we are all driven by pain and pleasure, so such prospects exist in every person.

When you are sincere in your endeavors to connect with others, chances are always higher that meaningful connection will occur. Progressive, mutually bene cial collaboration is then possible. And today, genuine connection and collaboration can quickly become infectious. In the United Kingdom only 75 percent of people believe it actually happened.

In the United States 16 percent of people believe it was planted explosives rather than burning passenger jets that brought down the twin towers of the World Trade Center. According to the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry, We gravitate to grins and giggles. Consider the all-time most viewed videos on YouTube. A moment later he chomps down and Harry yelps in displeasure, retrieving his nger. All the while, Charlie smiles.

It is nearly two minutes of face-cramp-inducing smiles. Smiles send a message we like to receive. Some sort of smile, he writes, rst appears two to twelve hours after birth. No one knows whether these smiles have any content—McNeill suspects they do not—but studies show they are crucial to bonding. What no one can debate, however, is the power of a smile no matter its origin. Social networks, they concluded, have clusters of happy and unhappy people within them that reach out to three degrees of separation.

We found that happy people tend to be located in the center of their social networks and to be located in large clusters of other happy people. Happiness, in short, is not merely a function of personal experience, but also is a property of groups. Do our more prominent and ever-present digital walls lter out emotions rather than encourage them? Christakis and Fowler followed up their rst study by looking at a group of 1, college students interconnected by Facebook.

Each student was represented by a node and each line between two nodes indicated that the connected individuals were tagged in a photo together. Students who are smiling and surrounded by smiling people in their network were colored yellow. Students who were frowning and surrounded by the same countenance were colored blue. And nally, green nodes indicated a mix of smiling and non-smiling friends.

Not only that, but the statistical analyses con rm that those who smile are measurably more central to the network compared to those who do not smile. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl, or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Your smile is often the rst messenger of your goodwill. Entrepreneurs, business owners, and many professionals can carry on business with only a minimum of tactile interaction. Many modern two-dimensional media allow all of us at one time or another to forget about the importance of a smile.

In many ways texts and emails of today are like the telegraph messages of old, which had their own share of troubles. A reporter once telegraphed actor Cary Grant about his age. By April nearly billion email messages were sent every day.

Google has now adopted them for its email platform, and they are being rapidly integrated into iPhones. Yet while these clever little symbols are endearing, they are unlikely to appear within your next digital message to a board member, a problem employee, or a prospective client.

Emoticons are largely for use in casual conversations, and in such contexts they serve well. How, then, do we smile across all media and, when necessary, maintain a certain level of professionalism in the process? It may be simpler than you think.

Outside of emoticons and emojis, there is only one medium in which you can convey a digital smile—your voice, whether it is written or spoken. How you write an email, the tone you use, and the words you choose are critical tools of friendliness and subsequent in uence. Your written words are like the corners of your mouth: they turn up, they remain straight, or they turn down.

Smile through your written words and you convey to others that their well- being is important to you. You and your message will have the best chance of being received. Frown through your words and others will often frown on the message and messenger.

Still, a good rule of thumb here is to make sure the linear thread of the message trends upward. Always begin and end the message on a positive note rather than on a pessimistic or detached one. Between two people there is nearly always a reason to smile.

As many relationships have been damaged by insensitive, knee-jerk notes as by verbal insults or tirades. People who are happy would then tend to prefer on average happier fellow tweeters because they echo their own emotions. Avoiding negative sentiment with your written words altogether is obviously the goal. It is largely possible. Perhaps it is time to rethink the value of those writing skills your teachers insisted would be necessary one day.

It simply comes across that you are bored or busy with something more important, or worse, the complete opposite message—that meeting the person is an unpleasant proposition. Avoiding such situations begins in the same way it would begin if you were standing in front of the person. Numerous studies have shown that the physical act of smiling, even while on a phone call, actually improves the tone in which your words are conveyed.

It is no coincidence that one of the central tenets that all speaking, singing, and broadcasting coaches drill into their students is that your voice sounds more pleasant, more inviting, and more compelling when you are smiling.

A smile, in other words, translates across wires whether or not the person on the receiving end can see your face. When seeking in uence that leads to positive change, there is no sidestepping the door of healthy human relations. It is worth noting that humans can program such technology. We are wired in the same way we wire our technologies, only with feeling to boot.

Yes, people overreact. We agree there. But to dismiss emotions simply because of the medium would be to dismiss letters, telephones, pictures, etc. Lots of things happen at a distance and yet convey consequences. Your mouth has a lot to say about your choice. A smile, someone once said, costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give.

It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away.

Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.

It increases your face value. John Quinn and Eric Emanuel, who founded the company twenty- ve years earlier, were naming a new partner—Kathleen M. Her adversaries knew how tough a legal foe she was. Her appointment was well deserved. Law rms, like all companies, make changes to their businesses from time to time. Associates come and go, paralegals and assistants as well. Partner turnover is much rarer, but it is hardly uncommon. Why was this particular appointment so signi cant?

Kathleen Sullivan was not just named a partner; she became a named partner. To be a named partner in a law rm is especially signi cant, all the more at a prestigious rm. From , when Ada H. But no more. A name was embraced and a barrier broken. More than a word, it is a verbal symbol of something much deeper and more meaningful. It is perhaps more so, but it has become primarily the case in a commercial context. In the digital age, names are like company logos, identifying not only who one is but also what one represents—likes and dislikes, yeas and nays.

Twitter and Facebook in particular have done more than simply add to an information-based economy; they have also created a new kind of name-based economy in which we are largely known by the name we brand and campaign to the world.

As your following grows, publishing contracts, advertising agreements, and endorsement deals increase not only in viability but also in value. Technorati Top blogger Ree Drummond is a great example. Dave Munson, founder of the Saddleback Leather Company, knows this well. He was a volunteer English teacher in Mexico when he had his rst leather bag made from a design he drew for a local leatherworker.

A month later Munson returned to Portland with eight bags in tow and sold them all from the safari rack of his old Land Cruiser in three hours. Munson frequently elds customer calls from his cell phone and returns online questions via phone or email; he also travels to Mexico multiple times each year to stay connected with the Mexican leatherworkers still making his bags.

One got tears in his eyes. We are and will maintain our family of leather owners with love. We want to know your name. And then there is relationship building—the interaction between you and others. What is interesting is that you can forgo the former and still be successful.

You can be so good at building relationships that your interactions with others birth and sustain your brand. Conversely, you cannot sustain success on branding alone. You cannot brand yourself or your business and then forgo building relationships. In the end, business is still about one person relating to another.

Bates from Watkinsville, Georgia, experienced this rsthand. It started with a waiter named James. As Mr. Bates and a supplier pulled up to their table one evening, James approached promptly. It is a pleasure to have you back.

Bates describe it, it was no insigni cant moment. I was by no means a regular, but the small gesture made me feel like one. To forget is oblivion. Napoleon III, emperor of France and nephew of the great Napoleon Bonaparte, claimed he could remember the name of every person he met despite all of his royal duties.

If the person was of special importance to him, he later wrote the name down on a piece of paper, looked at it, concentrated on it, xed it securely in his mind, and then tore up the paper. In this way, he gained a visual impression of the name as well as an audible impression. Numerous studies show that the only thing worse than television for our attention span is the Internet. A blur of word tweets, Facebook news feeds, emails, instant messages, and web pages are beginning to rewire our brains.

Carr noted: Dozens of studies by psychologists, neurobiologists, and educators point to the same conclusion: When we go online, we enter an environment that promotes cursory reading, hurried and distracted thinking, and super cial learning.

Even as the Internet grants us easy access to vast amounts of information, it is turning us into shallower thinkers, literally changing the structure of our brain. Instead, it provides us with a challenge. Today most people have more than one name to which they answer. Susan or Suzie? Ben or Benjamin? Jacqueline or Jackie? Instead, review how he refers to himself on his website or blog.

If there is an article written about him or in which he is referenced, use that name. We must remember that a person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. But forget it or misspell it, and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

If you want others to remember and use your name, the small investment is necessary. What will set yours apart? Largely, the emotions people associate with your name. Your name will do little to trigger emotions that connect others to you. It is no coincidence that Mr. He estimates he dines out about twelve times a month.

When this word is used in conversation, the information we are discussing or the connection we are seeking takes on greater meaning.

Does a rst-name basis overpersonalize interactions that are best kept in a professional realm? It would seem that most doctors believe professionalism is important and rst names are best kept at bay. One high-pro le doctor decided to buck the trend. Howard Fine is the head of the neuro-oncology program at the National Institutes of Health.

When patients arrive to see him for the rst time, they are largely hopeless. Fine views part of his job as restoring hope—responsible hope.

How he handles names plays a leading role in this process. From there his patients are encouraged to call him by his rst name. It takes the relationship to another level, whereby he is no longer a detached doctor trying to keep them from dying; he is a highly educated friend, wise con dant, and erce advocate who will ght for their full recovery. He is not in the business of blowing smoke. Instead, he understands that because the sharing of facts is both important and poignant for his patients, the establishment of rapport is essential for their well-being.

What brain tumor patients need more than a doctor is a trusted advisor who understands. In March the members of a little-known indie band from Canada were on their way to Nebraska to for a weeklong tour. She told him to wait until Omaha to talk to someone.

During those twelve months, every United employee Carroll spoke with told him what to do, but none bothered to listen to him. At one point they told him to bring the guitar to Chicago for inspection. He had long since returned to his home in Canada, some fteen hundred miles away. He was a professional musician and needed the primary tool of the trade. He told United he would settle with them for the repair bill. His request fell on deaf ears. But a traveling songwriter always has two things: something to say and a means to say it.

He hoped for a million views in the rst year. People listened far more than he anticipated: two weeks after it premiered, the video had nearly four million views. Which, incidentally, would have bought Carroll more than 51, replacement guitars. More consequentially, it is the power of giving people what they most desire—to be heard and understood.

Your company wants a twenty- three-year-old female computer programmer who likes basket weaving? Such pro ling has long been the dream of advertisers everywhere. How could this not work? During the darkest hours of the Civil War, Lincoln wrote to an old friend in Spring eld, Illinois, asking him to come to Washington. Lincoln said he had some problems he wanted to discuss with him. Lincoln talked to him for hours about the advisability of issuing a proclamation freeing the slaves.

After the long conversation, Lincoln shook hands with his old friend, said goodnight, and sent him back to Illinois without ever asking for his opinion. Lincoln had done all of the talking. But the talking seemed to clarify his mind. He had wanted a sympathetic, trusted listener to whom he could unburden himself.

Ultimately it is what we all seek at one time or another. When President Coolidge became vice president, Channing H. Cox succeeded him as governor of Massachusetts and came to Washington to call on his predecessor.

Cox was impressed by the fact that Coolidge was able to see a long list of callers every day and yet nish his work at p. When you listen well you not only make an instant impression, you also build a solid bridge for lasting connection.

Who can resist being around a person who suspends his thoughts in order to value yours? Few people in modern times have listened as well as Sigmund Freud. A man who once met him described his manner of listening: It struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him.

He had qualities, which I had never seen in any other man. Never had I seen such concentrated attention. His eyes were mild and genial. His voice was low and kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary.

Yes, our age is broader and far more untamed, but we made it so. And it is therefore we who can make such traits work in our favor. While our circle of in uence balloons well beyond our neighbors and work colleagues to encompass, primarily through Facebook, much of our relational history, such an expansive network that numbers in the hundreds if not the thousands seems to be overwhelming to most.

While the number of people to whom we might listen has expanded, the number of people to whom we actually listen is diminishing. A recent study pro led in the American Sociological Review reveals that people are growing more socially isolated than they were even twenty years ago: Overall, the number of people Americans have in their closest circle of con dants has dropped from around three to about two.

Whereas nearly three-quarters of people in reported they had a friend in whom they could con de, only half in said they could count on such support. But there is one principle that, if applied daily, can reconnect you with others on a lasting level: presence. But what is perhaps most interesting is that there has rarely been anything on paper to suggest he was the best t.

A counterintuitive perspective on interviews. People want to be listened to and they want people around who will listen. So I listen. When asked for suggestions on embodying his level of presence with others, he says his personal goal is to ask fteen questions per day. Sure, ask about their day. But go deeper. It instructs readers on ways to improve their standing with others and convince others to do things using strategic courtesy, conversational techniques,.

Based on the bestselling, timeless classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls is the essential guide for a new generation of teenage girls on their way to becoming empowered, savvy, and self-confident young women. Originally published during the depths of the Great Depression—and equally valuable during booming economies or hard times—Dale Carnegie's rock-solid, time-tested advice has carried countless people up the ladder of success in their business and personal lives.

It introduces simple and life-changing concepts such as: A simple Way to. It is also a companion volume to McCrum's very successful Best Novels published by Galileo in The list of books starts in with the King James Bible and. Gather successful people from all walks of life-what would they have in common? The way they think! Now you can think as they do and revolutionize your work and life! America's leadership. How to Stop Worrying and Start Living - The book's goal is to lead the reader to a more enjoyable and fulfilling life, helping them to become more aware of, not only themselves, but others around them.

Carnegie tries to address the everyday nuances of living, in order to get. A masterful depiction of love in the twenty-first century.